


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,124 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [40]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7595209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as a Jedi, a Wookiee, and a four year old boy, take on three of the galaxy’s most deadly bounty hunters.  Later, Boba Fett is drugged, with bizarre consequences.</p>
<p>www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,124 (Part II)

TATOOINE - Day 1,124 (Part II):

Laser blasts exploded all around me. I was unarmed, and had three bounty hunters trying to capture (or kill) Chewie, Luke and me. Plus, two idiot Stormtroopers, who were apparently oblivious to the shootout, stood behind me, wanting to take me in for questioning. 

Still squatting behind the food cart that was rapidly getting destroyed by laser fire, I spun around and instructed the Troopers, "Take out your weapons and shoot each other in the leg."

I thought I was being clever taking out two birds with one mind trick, but both Stormtroopers missed each other! How is the Empire maintaining control of the galaxy with boobs like this on the front lines?

So I put my backup plan into action. I called to Chewie across the street and told him to concentrate his fire power on Bossk. Then I raised both hands and took control of the Troopers, having them fire at Boba Fett, who was hovering in midair. Eventually, they hit Boba's jetpack, causing him to fly loop the loops until he smacked head first into one of the buildings, and took a nice little nap. At the same time Chewie hit Bossk in the shoulder, and the ugly lizard man retreated. 

Chewie banged the heads of the Stormtroopers together, and then there was just Greedo down at the other end of the street. Seeing us walking towards him the green bastard turned yellow, dropped his blaster, and ran away. 

"Yay! We did it!" Luke shouted from Chewie's back. 

"What now, man?" Chewie asked. 

"Now?" I responded. 

"Yeah, man. What now? They destroyed your hut, and we can't go back to the sleazy motel. I don't want to be a deadbeat man, but where are we supposed to go now?"

Stroking my beard, I thought for a moment. "Yes, that would work."

"What would work? What would, Ben? What, Ben, what?!" Luke's rapid fire questions tended to pierce my skull. 

"Settle down, young Skywalker." I tried to sound like I wasn't losing my patience. "We will tie up our favorite bounty hunter," I motioned towards the unconscious Boba Fett lying in the street, "and bring him far out into the desert where no one will find us. Then, we'll get some answers out of him."

The citizens of Mos Eisley started flooding the streets again, as Chewie carried Boba Fett on his shoulder. Getting into the landspeeder, we drove for quite a while before we found a place that was secluded enough for the interrogation. 

The binary suns were setting. I bound Boba Fett, while Chewie built a fire, and Luke went to sleep in the landspeeder. 

When I removed Boba's helmet, Chewie exclaimed, "He's just a kid!"

"I know, I know. That's why we're not going to torture him too badly," I laughed. 

Boba tried to wrestle out of his chains and shouted, "What did that hairy nut sack say about me?!"

"Maybe we can torture him a lot." Chewie sounded slightly peeved. 

"Stop talking about me, you..."

"Relax, Boba." I placed my hand on his shoulder. "We just want to ask you a few questions about the other bounty hunters and about Kilgore."

"I'm not saying another word, Jedi," then Boba stared down at the sand. 

We sat in silence for hours.

Finally, Chewie came up with an excellent idea. "Dude, we can give him some Bockta flowers, he'll trip out and maybe that will loosen his tongue."

So Chewie forced a few petals into Boba's mouth and we waited. 

I was about to doze off when I heard someone whimpering. To my surprise Boba Fett was actually crying. 

"I never had a mommy," he cried. 

"What's he going on about, man?" Chewie asked. 

I whispered to him, "He's a clone of his 'father,' Jango Fett."

"Dude," was Chewie's response. 

"What's it like to have a mommy? Don't ask me, sleemos. All I knew was my daddy. My daddy was a great man," Boba continued to ramble on and cry. "He was a great man until he lost his head. Don't lose your head, daddy. Why'd you have to go and lose your head. Your head? Your head!"

"Holy crap," Chewie grunted. 

"MACE WINDU!" 

Boba screamed it so loudly and with such determination that I actually looked over my shoulder expecting to see the deceased Jedi. 

"Daddy didn't lose his head. Mace Windu took it! And I saw it happen! Daddy put your head back on, daddy please put on your head. That purple lightsaber just kept swinging and swinging and swinging..."

I had enough of this creep show, so I tried some Force persuasion in an attempt to keep him on target. "Boba, you will tell me about Kilgore. Who is Kilgore?"

"WINDU!" he screamed again. "Windu took my daddy's head. There it is, spinning on the ground. It keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and Windu is laughing. WINDU IS LAUGHING AT ME!!!"

Touching his shoulder again, I confessed, "Mace Windu is dead."

"How do you know?"

"Because I killed him, Boba. Right here on Tatooine, I killed him."

"I don't believe you, Jedi," Boba said, but there was a glimmer of hope in his eye. 

"Trust me, Boba. In the morning we can locate his remains, if that will help you."

"Thank you, Obi-Wan, thank you," he whined like Anakin did all too often. 

"Boba? Can you please tell me who is Kilgore?"

This is when the sail barge left for crazy town. Boba started laughing and crying uncontrollably. "He's, he's, he's, a BAD man, Kenobi. A bad man. He'll kill you twice before you hit the floor. Then he'll kill you a few more times just for shits and giggles. You don't wanna mess with that man. If I were you, I’d gather up all your weirdo loser friends and get the hell off this planet! You're all gonna die! You're all gonna die! Ha-haha-HAHAHAHAHAHA! JUST WAIT FOR KILGORE, CUZ HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING FOR YOUR SOULS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Chewie stood up, walked over to Boba, and clocked him upside the head with his crossbow, knocking him out. "Sorry, Ben. He was really getting on my nerves."

"No, I understand."

"I never realized how obnoxious stoned people are when you're sober."

We sat silently for a few minutes, then Chewie said, "Maybe in the morning I'll drop some petals with him, and then we'll be on the same level. I think I'll understand him better."

"Right," I laughed at Chewie's rationale for wanting to use his people's sacred flower. "For now let's get some sleep."

"Roger that." The Wookiee stretched out on the sand. 

In the morning when I opened my eyes I saw Chewie in the same spot, but now Luke was sleeping on top of him, like a bird in a nest. His little fingers were clinging desperately to the Wookiee fur. I rubbed the sand from my eyes, my nose, and my beard, and looked around. Boba Fett was gone, and so was my landspeeder. 

"Crap."


End file.
